I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
how does that bad decision feel?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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