took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
