My underwear smells like fireworks.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
