I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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