I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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