I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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