If i could tip my vagina, i would.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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