So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Buhtt sex?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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