No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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