I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
