We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize