i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
