the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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