You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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