I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
