I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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