I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
