i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
