He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
