My Higher Power is John Stamos
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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