Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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