i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I think I am morally bankrupt
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
