Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
