im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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