i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
