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The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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