my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
