I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
