look no pants
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize