Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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