she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
