Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
