Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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