oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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