Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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