we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
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