So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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