this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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