Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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