I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
