Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
