It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
