Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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