I can't breathe out the right side of my face
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize