I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
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