where does the pee come out of this thing
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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