nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
