My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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