don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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