I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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