Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
