please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
