I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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