Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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