Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
