i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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