don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize