Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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