We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
