I should be sponsored by Trojan
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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