my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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