Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
